Like so many people, I grew up watching the TV show “Friends,” dreaming of the day I would be living a glamorous city life surrounded by a group of close friends. Over the years, I’ve made lots of friends: childhood friends, work friends, college friends, writer friends. I have friends who like to hike, and friends who like to chat over coffee and friends who live far away but whom I talk to a few times a year.

和许多人一样,我是看着电视剧《老友记》长大的,梦想着有一天我也能和一群亲密朋友一起过着迷人光鲜的城市生活。这些年来,我交了很多朋友:儿时朋友、工作朋友、大学朋友、作家朋友。我有喜欢远足的朋友,有喜欢边喝咖啡边聊天的朋友,还有距离很远但每年都要聊几次的朋友。

But close friends? “Friends” level friends? The “I can tell you anything and count on you always” kind of friends? Not so much. A childhood friend and I had a falling-out, never to be repaired. Another close friend moved away.

但亲密的朋友?《老友记》里的朋友?那种“我可以告诉你任何事并且可以永远信赖你”的朋友?并没多少。我曾和一位发小闹翻,再也没能和好。还有一位密友搬了家。

In groups of adults, you often hear some form of this complaint: It’s hard to make friends as an adult. And if, for whatever reason, you don’t stay connected to your childhood or college friends, you can end up in your 30s (or 40s, or 50s) knowing a lot of people, but being close to very few of them.

在一群成年人中,你经常听到这样的抱怨:成年人很难交到朋友。不管出于什么原因,如果你没能和你在童年或大学时的朋友保持联系,你可能在30多岁(或40多岁,或50多岁)的时候认识很多人,能亲近的却很少。

Do we even need close friendships?
When you’re overworked and overwhelmed, the motivation to have dinner with a friend versus turning on Netflix and eating pizza with your spouse can be hard to summon. But the research is clear: Close friendships are necessary for optimal health and well-being.

我们真的需要亲密友谊吗?
当你劳累过度、不堪重负时,比起与伴侣吃着披萨看Netflix,你恐怕没多少心情与朋友共进晚餐。但研究表明:亲密友谊对健康和幸福是必要的。

“We are social and communal creatures,” said Serena Chen, a social psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley. “When we are intimate with another person, we can experience positive mental and physical reactions in our body, mind and heart.”

“我们是社会性和群体性的动物,”加州大学伯克利分校的社会心理学家、心理学教授赛琳娜·陈说。“当我们与另一个人关系亲密,就能在身体、思想和心灵中体验到积极的心理和生理反应。

Dr. Amir Levine, a psychiatrist and a neuroscientist and the author of “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love,” has studied humans and animals as a way to understand human bonding. “Social connections are the most powerful way for us to regulate our emotional distress,” Dr. Levine said. “If you are in distress, being in proximity to someone you’re securely attached to is the most effective way to calm yourself.”

精神病学家、神经科学家和《依恋:成人依恋的新科学及其如何帮助你找到并保存爱情》一书的作者阿米尔·列文博士通过研究人类和动物来理解人类之间的关系。“社会关系是我们调节情绪困扰的最有效方式,”列文说。“如果你正感到困扰,亲近一个让你觉得安全的人,是让自己平静下来的最有效办法。


True close friendship (unsurprisingly) does not need to be quite as extreme. “A key to close friendship is intimacy, and a big part of intimacy is being able to be fully yourself and be seen and understood by others,” Dr. Chen said. “When people close to us don’t ‘get’ us, it’s undermining to intimacy.”

真正亲密的友谊(不出所料)并不需要那么极端。“亲密友谊的关键在于亲密,而亲密的关键在于能够做完全的自己,并被人看到和理解,”赛琳娜·陈说。“当我们亲近的人无法‘理解’我们,亲密的关系就会被破坏。”


According to John Cacioppo, a social neuroscientist who specialized in the study of loneliness (he died in 2018), humans would have evolved a built-in bias against easily making friends because avoiding an enemy would have been more important than making a friend. “If I make an error and detect a person as a foe who turns out to be a friend, that’s O.K., I don’t make the friend as fast, but I survive,” Dr. Capiocco said in a 2017 interview in The Atlantic. “But if I mistakenly detect someone as a friend when they’re a foe, that can cost me my life. Over evolution, we’ve been shaped to have this bias.”

研究孤独感的社会神经学家约翰·卡奇奥波(他于2018年去世)认为,人类天生就不喜欢轻易交朋友,因为规避敌人比交朋友更重要。“如果我犯了一个错误,把一个其实是朋友的人当做了敌人,那也没关系,我没那么快交上朋友,但起码我能保命,”卡奇奥波在2017年接受《大西洋月刊》的采访时表示。“但如果我误把敌人当作朋友,那就可能付出生命的代价。在进化的过程中,我们被塑造出了这样的偏见。”



“When it comes to friendship, we put quantity over quality, so it becomes a question of how many people will show up to your birthday party,” she said. “The real question is if you can open up and be vulnerable with a few of these folks. Are you willing to tune in emotionally and respond if they reach for you?”

“谈到友谊,我们更看重数量而不是质量,所以问题就变成了会有多少人来参加你的生日派对,”她说。“但真正的问题在于,你是否能敞开心扉,对其中一些友人表露你的脆弱。如果他们找你倾诉,你又是否愿意在情绪上配合并做出回应?”

5 ways to make your friendships closer
If you want closer friendships, the first step is to decide you’re going to do something about it. “We think about relationships as things that happen to us, but the truth is that we make them happen,” Dr. Johnson said. Getting closer to your existing friends requires making the time and being intentional.
Once you have determined to work on your friendships, here are five techniques to try.
1. Create a foundation of security (hint: Answer that text)
Before we can attempt closeness, we need to have security. Through his research, Dr. Levine has identified the five foundational elements of secure relationships, which he refers to as CARRP.
Consistency (Do these friends drift in and out of my life on a whim?)
Availability (How available are they to spend time together?)
Reliability (Can I count on them if I need something?)
Responsiveness (Do they reply to my emails and texts? Do I hear from them on a consistent basis?)
Predictability (Can I count on them to act in a certain way?)

让友谊更亲密的5种方法
如果你想要更亲密的友谊,第一步是决定你要为此做些什么。“我们认为感情是发生在自己身上的事情,但事实是,是我们让它发生的,”约翰逊说。要想和你现有的朋友走得更近,你需要花时间和心思。
一旦你下定决心要改善你的友谊,这里有五个技巧可以试试。
1. 创建安全基础
在我们尝试亲近之前,我们需要有安全感。通过他的研究,列文博士确定了安全关系的五个基本要素,他将其称为CARRP。
(1)连贯性(这些朋友会经常出现在我的生活中吗?)
(2)可获得性(他们能经常与我共度时光吗?)
(3)可靠性(如果我需要什么,我能指望他们吗?)
(4)响应性(他们会回复我的邮件和短信吗?我是否经常收到他们的来信?)
(5)可预测性(我能预测他们会以某种方式做事吗?)

Once these five elements are in place, it can pave the way to a deeper connection. “From an attachment perspective, once we feel safe, we can start being more adventurous and playful, which helps us at work, raising our kids, in every aspect of our lives,” Dr. Levine said.
That doesn’t mean that you have to respond to texts within the hour, but it does mean that you need to create a baseline of responsiveness and availability so your friends feel secure in your friendship. Likewise, if you have friends who are flaky, unresponsive or unreliable, it will serve you to try to see if they can become more CARRP and if not, look to other people for close friendship.
“We often tell ourselves that we shouldn’t care if somebody cancels plans or we can’t count on them, that we should be more laid back and stop being so needy, but that’s the same as fighting against biology,” Dr. Levine said.

一旦这五个要素都具备了,菲律宾申博太阳城管理网网址手机客户端下载网上娱乐场:就可以为更深层次的联系铺平道路。“从依恋的角度来看,一旦我们感到安全,我们就可以开始变得更冒险、更有活力,这在工作、抚养孩子以及生活的各个方面都对我们有帮助,”列文博士说。
并不意味着你必须在一小时内回复朋友短信,但你确实需要建立一个对朋友的响应和信赖基准,这样你的朋友们才能在你的友谊中感到安全。同样地,如果你有一些不靠谱、反应迟钝或不可靠的朋友,你可以试着看看他们是否能变得更加CARRP,如果不能,就找其他人做亲密的朋友。
列文博士说:“我们经常告诉自己,我们不应该在意别人是否会取消计划,或者我们不能指望他们,我们应该更放松,不那么需要他们,这和接受自己逐渐变老是一样的。”


3. Let yourself be known
If you want to be seen for who you are, you have to be willing to stop pretending to be somebody cooler or smarter than you are. Admit that you binge watch “Honey Boo-Boo,” are jealous of other people’s accomplishments or don’t always brush your teeth before bed. Make that goofy joke. Share that less-than-flattering detail.
In his 40s, Mr. Miller said, he had a successful career as an author and public speaker and an audience that adored him, but lived without true intimacy in his life. Determined to connect with others, he learned that the only way to get the intimacy he was searching for was to start being more honest about who he was.
Helping people understand and accept you may sound intimidating, but getting started is easier than you think. Dr. Levine suggests that the next time you’re with a friend, start diverting the conversation into exposing more vulnerability. When your friend responds in a way that feels supportive, give positive feedback by saying how helpful that was, or what a good perspective your friend has on your situation.

3. 让自己被了解
如果想让别人认识到真正的自己,你必须停止假装自己是一个更酷的人,或更聪明的人。承认自己也会嫉妒他人;并不是每天睡觉前都会刷牙;开个愚蠢的笑话;分享那些不讨人喜欢的细节。只有你充分理解和接受你自己,才有可能让别人也来理解并接受你。获得亲密关系的唯一方法就是,更诚实地面对自己。
米勒说,他40多岁的时候,作为一名作家和演说家,事业很成功,有很多人崇拜他,但他的生活中没有真正的亲密感。下定决心与他人建立联系的他发现,获得他一直在寻找的亲密关系的唯一途径是开始更加诚实地认识自己。
帮助别人理解和接受你可能听起来有点吓人,但是开始做起来比你想象的要容易。列文博士建议,下次你和朋友在一起时,试着展示自己脆弱的一面。当你的朋友回应你支持你时,要给予积极的反馈,说朋友对你的支持有多大,或者你的朋友对你的建议很好很有帮助等等。

4. Take your friends on a test drive
Most of us would consider a close friend somebody we could call in a pinch. But if you, like me, have a romantic partner or live close to family, you might rarely find yourself in a pinch that requires a friend. I recently had to undergo a minor medical procedure and my husband wasn’t able to go with me. “Why don’t you call one of your friends?” he asked me the night before, naming a couple of friends who might be available. I didn’t have a good answer. Sure, these were pretty good friends, but were we medical-procedure close?
When I posed this situation to Dr. Levine, his suggestion was simple: Take them for a test drive. “Ask for help even when you don’t need it so that when you truly need them, you’ll feel more comfortable reaching out and you’ll have a better sense of how they will respond.”
He suggested that the next time I had an issue — a tricky work situation or I needed help coordinating a birthday dinner — I should go out of my way to lean on a friend. Not only is this a low-risk way of testing how reliable a friend is, it also builds closeness. “When we give someone a chance to show up for us, we pose an opportunity for greater bonding and closeness,” Dr. Levine said.

4. 给你的朋友一个小测试
我们大多数人都认为亲密的朋友是在紧急情况下可以求助的人。但是,如果你像我一样有恋人或者住得离家人很近,你可能很少会发现自己处于需要朋友的困境。我最近得去医院做个检查,但我的丈夫无法和我一起去。
我丈夫问我“你为什么不打电话给你的朋友呢?”,并说出了几个可能有空的朋友的名字。我想来想去觉得都不合适。当然,他们是很好的朋友,但我们真的足够亲密吗?
当我把这种情况告诉列文博士时,他的建议很简单:让他们帮你开车。即使你并不需要帮助,也要寻求帮助。这样,当你真正需要帮助的时候,你向他们伸出援手会感觉更舒服,也会更清楚他们会如何回应。”
不要等到有大的困难时才想到朋友。下次,当你有小事需要帮忙(一个工作上棘手的难题,或需要人来协助一次生日晚餐)时,可以借此测试朋友的可靠度。这种测试的风险很低,同时也能帮助你们进一步建立亲密的关系。

5. Accept that closeness isn’t one-size-fits-all
I asked the same question of everyone I interviewed for this article: How much closeness do we need? Each person gave a different answer, each of which boiled down to this: It’s not that simple.
Dr. Chen said that it varied from person to person; some of us need dozens of connections, some of us need only two or three connections, but we all need some closeness to others. Dr. Johnson emphasized that building intimate connection in our love relationships is even more essential than building it in our friendships.
What all of the experts agreed on was this: Intimacy with other people — whether it’s a spouse, a family member or a friend — is one of the most profound ways to be happier, healthier and calmer. As Dr. Levine said, “It’s so potent that it will work much better than any Xanax out there.”

5. 记住:亲密关系因人而异
为了写这篇文章,我问了我采访过的每个人同样的问题:在生活中我们需要多大程度的亲密关系?
每个人都给出了不同的答案,每个答案都可以归结为:很难用几句话简单概括。
陈博士说,这因人而异;有些人需要很深的亲密关系,有些人只需要维持两到三个简单朋友关系就足够了,但我们都需要与他人亲近。约翰逊博士强调,在爱情关系中建立亲密关系比在友谊中建立亲密关系更为重要。
不同的人对于亲密关系的渴求程度不同。但专家们一致认为:与他人建立亲密关系能够让我们更快乐、更健康,更平静。